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The answer is so basic that at first it might seem unsatisfying: For starters, says Hurley, realize that “nobody knows what they’re doing when they leave the hospital with an infant.

Every parent learns by trial and error”—every year of their child’s life, and with every child they raise.

For every expert a parent consults by phone or in person, they’re also checking in with the virtual wise man, Google. There is no parental concern too obscure not to have an online group devoted to it.

Shantz is part of one focused on “baby-wearing” because she’s trying to decide whether a “wrap” or a “ring sling” would be better for her nine-month-old. You see posts and you feel guilty because [parents] are carrying their babies everywhere, doing all these things, having this connection.” And yet Shantz hasn’t been able to delete herself from the group, even though she keeps meaning to; nor has she been able to pick between a wrap or sling.

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